Forgiveness
© 2011 GypsyJaguar
"To err is Human; to Forgive, Divine."
- Alexander Pope
Forgiveness has got to be one of the hardest lessons in life. Forgiveness links every issue we face. Forgiveness of others and of ourselves. To truly forgive is to show pure, unconditional love and acceptance. But how can we love or accept someone who has hurt us or someone close to us in such a way that is deeply physically, mentally and/or emotionally scarring? Some hurt is seen as unforgivable. When someone has ripped our life essence away from us, whether it be literally or figuratively, it kills all of the positivity inside of us... the compassion, understanding, trust and beauty. It really does make us self-serving as a result. We feel so invaded that we crawl into ourselves in a sort of self-preservation mode...alerting our survival instincts...which make us see things in a way that is always centered around ourselves. We break away from our oneness with everything. We distrust everyone but ourselves. We've got to look out for number one! Everyone else is out to get us, to hurt us, to make our lives miserable. If only we could see that by trying to protect ourselves and harboring resentful feelings we are only hurting ourselves.
We need to see beyond ourselves...the big picture. When instances happen, it not only affects us or the people around us, but everyone as a whole. We are all linked together. That is why many of us get so emotional about the current events we learn about in the news. We imagine what it must be like to experience the same occurrence, or relate it to an experience we had in the past. We put ourselves in their shoes. We imagine what it must feel like. We decide how we would react or what we would do in the same situation. We may even change something about our routine or way of thinking because of it. We may also be a little more compassionate and understanding of others in similar circumstances. We are all connected...it affects us all.
It's disturbing to fathom, but yes, we are also connected with serial killers, child molesters and rapists. Whether we like it or not, we are just like them deep inside. We all have the capacity to become what we fear, hate or cringe at the thought of. We have just been blessed to have our lives turn out more positively at this time. It only takes the right series of circumstances and experiences to cross that line into more negative actions and reactions. Until we can truly understand and realize why people do the things they do, despicable and otherwise, we will never fully understand the valuable lessons they can teach us.
If it weren't for bad things happening to people, we may not recognize the good for what it is. Think about some of the amazing people in our world who have created foundations, hospitals, healing, support and self-help groups and books, and even some of the most profound art, poetry, and music. Projects like these are often fueled from negative things happening to people or their loved-ones. The pain felt by those affected deeply enough can be transformed into beautiful things! We need to have this balance on many levels. Pain is not a punishment, but a means to spark new understanding and enlightenment; for without pain, there would be no compassion.
We all have lessons to learn and incidences to experience to help us learn. If we have an issue with someone and cast them out of our life, the issue doesn't stop there. We will still have to continue where we left off and keep working on those issues with other people until we figure them out and start implementing them into our lives consistently. Sometimes it may be a simple thing, like standing up for yourself by saying "I will not allow you to treat me with disrespect." and sticking to that statement through discussions and balanced compromise, or sometimes ultimately by distancing yourself from the other person, if all else fails.
Revenge, avenging, punishing and 'teaching lessons' to others who have hurt us or others never helps to heal the situation. People will only learn the lessons they need to when they are ready and open to. And inflicting the same pain upon the one who caused the initial pain only makes you feel brief satisfaction followed by an even greater increase of self-loathing. Seeking revenge, or the like, will only continue the negative cycle for you and those involved. The only way to break the cycle is to forgive them and yourself.
Forgiveness is releasing our anger and grudges.
Forgiving Others
The first step in learning how to forgive is understanding. We need to understand what drives people to do mean, hurtful or horrible things to others. This is especially hard to comprehend when it happens to ourselves or someone close to us. But, we need to realize that everyone is at their right stage in their soul development. There are many people out there who are on a different level than we are and some may be at much lower levels and still learning lessons that we take for granted, since we may have learned them long ago.
We need to realize that for someone to resort to violence, or any other negative action, they must be very deeply hurt and confused. They most likely had someone, or several people, hurt them very profoundly in the past, in order for such strong emotions to surface. Violent actions always stem from anger, hurt, betrayal and a need to be understood. People have a deep need to be understood and sympathized with for what they have experienced and lived through. Sometimes violence is the only way they have been shown by others to express those deep emotions. Sometimes it's the only way someone else will pay attention.
We need to forgive them for expressing their pain caused from others the only way they know will work for them. We need to forgive them for not learning that their way is not helping themselves or others feel better in the long run. It is only a temporary easing or release of a deep-seated issue that will only continue to resurface. It is not necessarily up to us to show them the way. We can try, but they will only comprehend it when they are ready to.
Keep in mind that forgiving someone does not mean that you agree with what they did, or will allow it to continue to happen. It only means that you are not holding anger in your heart toward them. You must still enforce your personal boundaries. If someone continually treats you with disrespect, whether it is verbally, emotionally, mentally, or physically, you have every right to stand up for yourself. Always try talking with them first, of course. Many times, these situations can be an experience to help you learn how to stand up for yourself or enforce some sort of boundary. But, if nothing changes, be sure to distance yourself from them and their abusive behavior. You can still forgive someone and accept them for who they are without having to be around them. It's for your own well-being and self-respect.
Forgiving Ourselves
We also need to forgive ourselves, which may be the hardest part in the lesson of forgiveness. When we realize that we are generally in control of our own lives and make our own choices, it's kind of depressing to think that, at times, we may have caused our own or someone else's pain. But we can't beat ourselves up over it. Sometimes the choices we make are the best we can do at the moment for the circumstances, our own survival or the safety of others. Sometimes we may feel like we may have had no other choice. We also have to realize that there are times when some experiences are completely out of our control. Some things just happen and are not our fault at all. Sometimes there may not be anyone to blame. All we can do is reassure ourselves that we did the best we could under the circumstances.
If we find that we may have indeed made a poor choice we always have the option of owning up to it and admitting we have. If there is a way to make it up to ourselves or someone we may have hurt, we can do the best we can to try to amend things. The most important part is that we attempt to learn from our experiences.
We are constantly learning and growing. That is what life is all about. We are all in this together...learning together, growing together and evolving together. We all make mistakes, we all judge others and we all try to be better. That is human nature. When we remember that we need to strive to be better people as a whole, instead of just better than others individually... when we learn that we can stop judging and start understanding, and when we start to learn our lessons from our mistakes, we will start making progress.
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.”
- Buddha
Also see:
Emotional Healing - Dealing With Issues - Coping with Grief - Why Bad Things Happen to Good People - Releasing Anger - Forgiveness - Acceptance - Facing Your Fears - True Strength - Rediscovering Yourself - A Feel-Good Project - Finding Your True Love
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