Being a Good Friend
© 2012 GypsyJaguar
The Making of a Good Friend
Most people would agree that the definition of a "good friend" is someone who will stick with you through thick and thin, someone who will be there for you when you need them the most. A good friend is loyal. But, loyalty does not necessarily mean that you must agree with everything your friend says or does. It would be a boring world if everyone always agreed on everything, anyway. "Variety is the spice of life." Without a healthy debate now and then, we really wouldn't be exposed to new ideas to expand our minds and learn anything.
A good friend would let you know when they think you may have made a poor choice, but will still be there for you as a sounding board and for general support through your difficult time. A good friend is honest with themselves and others. Any healthy relationship is one where each person respects the other's beliefs, morals, ideals and codes of living without compromising their own in the process. It is a balance of two or more individuals bringing their own unique personalities and belief systems into the mix. Sometimes we may need to bend a little and always be open to new ideas and truths, while still living up to our own basic standards.
Loyal friendship is not something that is automatically bestowed upon two friends meeting. A solid friendship, or any relationship for that matter, is built through collective time, shared experiences and earned trust. A good friendship needs time to grow and blossom.
The first connection to look for in a friend is the amount of common interests you share. For someone to be a good friend, they would have to enjoy at least one of the same hobbies or other interests that you do, while keeping some interests and endeavors separate from yours. Friends need things to talk about and experience together as well as separately. Experiences are what forms bonds. Outside endeavors and other friends and acquaintances are what builds character and expanded minds.
The first connection to look for in a friend is the amount of common interests you share. For someone to be a good friend, they would have to enjoy at least one of the same hobbies or other interests that you do, while keeping some interests and endeavors separate from yours. Friends need things to talk about and experience together as well as separately. Experiences are what forms bonds. Outside endeavors and other friends and acquaintances are what builds character and expanded minds.
The best places to find friends are where people congregate that have similar interests as you. Go to some of those places and make yourself available and open to talking with some of the people you meet there. Visit regularly for a few weeks and see who you end up meeting. You may meet some great social contacts and in the process of having all that fun with your new friends, you may develop a lasting friendship with one or more of the people you socialize with there.
After hanging out in your social setting for a few weeks, try inviting a friend or two to join you for a get-together at a new social setting and see how things progress from there. After a while, if you have made a friendship that seems to be progressing, try inviting them to your house for dinner or to work on a shared hobby or interest.
The key to a successful relationship of any kind is to allow things to progress in their natural time frame. There is no need to push things along, that will only make you seem needy or desperate. Allow events to happen in their own time and just be ready to enjoy each moment as it comes.
After hanging out in your social setting for a few weeks, try inviting a friend or two to join you for a get-together at a new social setting and see how things progress from there. After a while, if you have made a friendship that seems to be progressing, try inviting them to your house for dinner or to work on a shared hobby or interest.
The key to a successful relationship of any kind is to allow things to progress in their natural time frame. There is no need to push things along, that will only make you seem needy or desperate. Allow events to happen in their own time and just be ready to enjoy each moment as it comes.
How To Be A Good Friend
Check in on your friends or loved-ones to see how they are doing.
Let your friends and family know that you care about them and want to spend time with them by keeping in touch. Call or visit once in a while, but be sure to give them time to themselves as well. A healthy relationship gives all parties plenty of breathing room. There is no reason to overstay your welcome or smother them with calls or visits too frequently. Give them time to miss you a bit. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Enforcing your personal boundaries:
If you have a friend or loved-one who seems to be habitually over-staying their welcome and does not take their clues by the usual subtle hints, you may have to resort to some more straight-forward approaches. Try telling them how glad you are that they called or came to visit and how much you enjoyed their company, but you are going to have to cut the visit short so you can get some chores or specific tasks done. If a call, promptly wrap the call up. If a visit, stand up and walk toward the door past them, then turn and offer a gentle open arm gesture for them to "lead the way." As they start to walk toward you, head to the door and open it for them.
Be respectful of each other's space.
Give each other space in every aspect of your relationship. Give others physical space by giving them room to breathe. Stand or sit a comfortable distance away from them while talking. People who get in our face do not make for an enjoyable experience for most people. Nobody wants their personal space invaded. The more sensitive a person is, the more space they need.
Respect each other's belongings. If you borrow something, send it back in as good shape as you were lent it. Always respect your friend's home and the rules of their household. If you don't agree with them you always have the option of leaving.
Give friends space emotionally, to spend time with other people, to feel open to be able to express how they feel without condemnation. Give them space mentally to explore new ideas and concepts freely, to express their thoughts openly. And spiritually, to believe however they feel is true to them, to have faith in their own systems of spirituality.
Respect each other's belongings. If you borrow something, send it back in as good shape as you were lent it. Always respect your friend's home and the rules of their household. If you don't agree with them you always have the option of leaving.
Give friends space emotionally, to spend time with other people, to feel open to be able to express how they feel without condemnation. Give them space mentally to explore new ideas and concepts freely, to express their thoughts openly. And spiritually, to believe however they feel is true to them, to have faith in their own systems of spirituality.
Enforcing your personal boundaries:
If you have a friend that is not respecting your personal space, try injecting some humor into the situation. For instance, you could grab their hands and spin them around as you ask them if they were looking to dance with you, or crack jokes about intimacy issues you have. This will usually get the point across in a light-hearted way that they may be a little too close to you for comfort. If there is a more serious issue with over-possessiveness, there may need to be a little heart to heart chat between the two of you gently explaining how your relationship needs to have some healthy space to breathe and room to expand individually.
Listen without interruption, criticism or judgment.
You don't have to voice every time you don't see eye to eye with your friends or loved-ones. If they specifically ask for your input or advice, be gentle, but confident about your view of things. Remember that you are only hearing one side of the story, but your friend may just need some understanding for where they are coming from. They usually will just be looking for someone to listen and allow them to get their thoughts and feelings out without judgment. Everybody is on their own path of learning and growing throughout their lives. There are no mistakes in life or wrong choices, only different paths to the same outcome. Sometimes we have to make our so-called "mistakes" to learn how certain choices can affect ourselves and the people and circumstances around us.
Enforcing your personal boundaries:
If someone you know is always criticizing or passing judgment on your choices, actions or expressions, then they are more interested in controlling you than being a good friend. Try talking to them in a gentle manner about your stand on your choices without sounding like you are in turn criticizing them. They may not even be aware of what they are doing. This behavior is often a result of being repeatedly criticized themselves or being exposed to others who are overtly critical. The points of criticism can often be issues that they have about their own lifestyle that they are not ready to admit to, yet.
Show genuine interest in each others activities and accomplishments.
We all love to tell our friends and loved-ones about the excitement, activities or accomplishments we've been recently through. It's natural to want to share your experiences with those close to you. A good friend will listen to your stories and show genuine interest in what you have to say. It is only common courtesy to show the same interest in their experiences and accomplishments, as well. Friendship is a give and take sort of deal. There always needs to be a healthy balance. Be sure to always ask how your friends and loved-ones are doing. Ask them about their day or week...what they have been up to, lately. Give them plenty of opportunities to express themselves. No part of the relationship should be one-sided. Everyone's thoughts, feelings and opinions should always be given equal attention.
Enforcing your personal boundaries:
If someone you know always talks over the top of you and never gives you time to speak your thoughts or feelings, constantly manipulating the conversation, this is also a sign of control-issues and possibly even a sign of narcissistic tendencies. This often occurs with people who grew up in a large or loud household in which they may have had to compete with others to be heard. It may also stem from an over-inflated ego in which the individual feels that they are always right above all others. This often occurs with people who may have either been frequently told they were wrong or were treated like they could do no wrong.
Dispelling the Myths
Some popular beliefs about friendship that have been passed down through the years may not be all they're cracked up to be.
"The more friends the better."
Sure, it would be great to have a whole posse of friends to hang out and build memories with, but the reality of that scenario is actually quite rare. Friends come and go, move in and out of our lives. It's very natural to go through several sets of friends throughout an entire lifetime. And even though having a whole gang of friends is a cool concept, most of us would probably much rather have one or two close friends as opposed to a whole group of acquaintances. It's quality, not quantity.
"Guys and girls can't be friends."
It's perfectly acceptable and possible to have a completely platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Just because a male and a female are friends, does not necessarily mean that they are interested in each other romantically. It is even possible for a previous romantic relationship that has ended to form into a platonic friendship. Although there are some friendships where one party wishes for more than a platonic relationship, it is usually quite obvious from the start and can be addressed and dealt with early on.
"You must have a best friend, especially outside of your family."
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your spouse, a parent, cousin or sibling being your best friend. There is no eternal rule set in stone that you even have to have a best friend at all! Maybe you want to have two or three friends who are all equally your friends, none higher or lower in status than the others. If you have a best friend, then that is a wonderful gift...cherish it! But, don't think that you need to have one to be a complete person.
"Best friends share everything!"
Sharing everything may not sound that great after you think about it long enough. Many friends love to share clothes, music, snacks, books, stories from their past...but, there has to be a limit somewhere. It's always good to have some of your own things to keep to yourself, whether it be material items or a few secrets of your own. Your best friend does not need to know everything about you, do everything that you do or use every single thing you own. Give yourselves some healthy space once in a while and remember that a team consists of separate individuals bringing each of their unique personalities into the whole.
"If you were a real friend, you would..."
Never allow anyone to lay that guilt trip on you! A real friend is one who is supportive, understanding and loves you for who you are. If a friend of yours ever tries to pressure you into doing something that is against your better judgment or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, then they are not a true friend. Just walk away. A friendship like that is not worth it. Real friends respect each other's feelings and beliefs. That means that they should understand or at least attempt to comprehend your feelings and decisions even if they do not match their own. Real friends should be able to discuss differences and come to an agreement that suits them both or at least agree that they disagree. Real friends allow you to make your own choices without condemning you for them. Real friends allow you to be your own person.
To be a good friend, we really need to just remember a few key elements. Listen, appreciate, acknowledge and respect the people in your life that you feel close to. Treat your friends and loved-ones exactly how you would like to be treated in return. Be a good friend and you will have good friends. That's really all there is to it.
Also see:
Social Savvy - The People Around Us and What They Can Teach Us - Body Language - The Tell-Tale Walk - The Company We Keep - A Bit of Advice - A Matter of Perspective - Being A Good Friend - How To Truly Help Others - Courtesy and Respect - Nice Is Not Always Kind - End the Drama Once and For All - Toxic Relationships
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